Trauma Therapist: Understanding the Fawn Response
Trauma Therapist: Understanding the Fawn Response
Written by: Lauran Hahn, LMHC
Do you avoid conflict and then regret it later? Or do you say ‘yes’ when you actually want to say ‘no?’ Do you go out of your way to help others and find that your help is a one-way street? If this sounds like you, you might be experiencing the nervous system response of ‘fawning.’ Fawning is a way to stay out of trouble and stay in the ‘good graces’ of those around you. You go to great lengths to avoid disappointing or upsetting others.
In my last blog post, Trauma Therapist: Understanding the Window of Tolerance, I did a deep dive into common nervous system responses. I saved ‘fawning’ as its own article because fawning can present as both hyperarousal and hypoarousal.
At Mindful Living Counseling, all of our therapists specialize in trauma therapy and EMDR therapy in Orlando.
We help people heal from trauma responses so that they can engage in their lives in a healthy and fulfilling way.
What is Fawning?
Fawning is a response to being controlled and manipulated as a child or adult. You've learned that in order to stay emotionally or physically safe, you need to please and appease your perpetrator. As an adult raised in a controlling environment, you may find that you continue to get your emotional and physical needs met by laying low and staying out of trouble. For example: You might find yourself constantly agreeing with a demanding boss, even if it means staying late at work every day or taking on tasks that are not part of your job, just to avoid conflict or disapproval.
People Pleasing
If you’re constantly trying to accommodate others and putting your needs, wants, and desires on the back burner, you may be a chronic people pleaser. People who people-please typically work much harder in relationships than others. They take on the emotional labor of making the relationship work and over time can burn out.
People-pleasing in friendships can look like over-investing and over-giving. If you are a people pleaser, relationships can often feel non-reciprocal. They can feel very one-sided and out of balance. People pleasers are also known as rescuers. You might spend much of your time focused on others' needs, wants, and desires at the expense of yourself. You give and give and give in the hopes that your needs and wants will finally be justified, too.
For example: You might constantly check in on a friend who rarely, if ever, asks how you’re doing, leaving you feeling emotionally drained and unappreciated.
Avoiding Conflict
Another fawning behavior is avoiding conflict. This can look like acquiescing whenever there may be a conflict of needs or desires in a relationship. You may not tolerate the tension when things feel unresolved. Eventually, you get tired of consistently giving in and become resentful. It’s not possible, nor is it healthy, to continuously put your own needs on the back burner.
For example: In a romantic relationship, you might always agree to your partner’s plans, even if you have other preferences or needs, to avoid arguments. Over time, this can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment.
Difficulty Saying No
The inability to say ‘no’ is another fawning behavior. You might be known as a ‘yes’ person because you feel guilty when saying ‘no.’ You live by the philosophy that saying ‘no’ is bad or selfish. You can’t bear to be perceived in such a negative light. For example: You might agree to take on extra projects at work despite already feeling overwhelmed, fearing that saying ‘no’ would make you appear uncooperative or lazy.
Becoming Small
Another fawning behavior is becoming small. When making yourself small, you avoid all responsibility. You might become paralyzed in indecision because the fear of doing the wrong thing is just too great. You avoid internal and external criticism by taking no action. For example: You might avoid volunteering for a leadership role in a group project, even if you have the skills, because you’re afraid of making mistakes and being judged.
Are You Stuck in a Fawning Response?
Here are three tips to help you move out of a fawning response:
Set Boundaries: Start small by saying ‘no’ to minor requests. Gradually work up to bigger ones. Practice saying ‘no’ in front of a mirror if it helps.
Prioritize Self-Care: Make time for activities that replenish you, whether it’s reading, taking a walk, or enjoying a hobby. Self-care helps reinforce your sense of self-worth.
Seek Support: Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in understanding and overcoming fawning behaviors. At Mindful Living Counseling, our therapists can work with you to develop healthier responses and build a more balanced, fulfilling life.
Interested in How Trauma Therapy Helps?
If you find yourself stuck in a fawning response, consider seeking therapy. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore these patterns and develop healthier ways of relating to yourself and others. To get started:
Fill out our New Client Consultation Form
Schedule a consultation call with one of our trauma therapists.
Begin your healing journey!
Not Ready for Trauma Therapy Orlando?
We are trauma therapists who specialize in helping. We recognize that you might not feel ready. If you want to find out more about trauma therapy, we suggest reading the articles listed below.
Trauma Therapy Orlando Resources
Understanding the Window of Tolerance
Types of Counseling: Trauma Counseling
An Anxiety Therapist Shares Everything You Need to Know About Anxiety
5 Signs You’re Healing from Trauma
Other Therapy Services Offered at Mindful Living Counseling in Orlando
The Mindful Living Counseling, we offer a range of therapy options including anxiety therapy, toxic relationship counseling, EMDR therapy, teen therapy, and guided meditations.
Trauma Therapist Spotlight: Lauran Hahn
Lauran Hahn, LMHC, provides trauma-focused therapy in Orlando and has expertise in assisting with anxiety and trauma through EMDR Intensives. She is a Certified Sensorimotor Psychotherapist, a Certified EMDR Therapist, and an EMDRIA Approved Consultant.