Healing Intergenerational Trauma: A Snippet of My Story
Healing Intergenerational Trauma: A Snippet of My Story
As many of my readers know, I do my own personal work. I think one of the things that makes me a “good therapist” is that I’ve traveled to the internal nooks and crannies of my soul and stood face to face with my shadow.
When I hear things in session like, “You really get me.” “It feels safe to tell you these things.” “I don’t feel judged.” or “I feel like you’re with me.” I want to say, “Oh sweet soul, like you, I’ve trudged through my own dark inner road.”
In my opinion, no amount of training in EMDR, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, or Ego State work, all of which I have, will offer me, as a therapist, the ability to internally hold space for your devastation, heartbreak, grief, pain, anxiety, neglect, or your hope and healing, like my own personal work. I’ve traveled the dark road to the broken places inside me and allowed the light of hope to begin healing my soul.
From Couch to Chair
Let’s be real, y’all. I found my way to therapist’s chair by way of the couch. Where do you think my motivation to be an anxiety and trauma therapist came from? Because it’s my story, plain and simple. I experienced a lot of tragedies in my life starting at very young age. If I am to be even more transparent, my traumas started in utero. And if I were to rewind the tape even further, I was left to deal with the legacy of family trauma from both my mom and dad. Trauma is in my bloodline. Good therapy saved me. It helped me heal the wounds of my past and the wounds of my parents’ past.
Trauma is Generational
Trauma is definitely generational. What we don’t heal, we pass on to our children. I have seen it in my own life and the life of my clients. It’s the painful truth. As the mom of a 25 year old and three year old, I have experienced firsthand how healing my own personal wounds changed the way I parent. When I was 19 raising my first daughter, I was doing the best that I could with what I had (I believe we all are at any given time). But I just didn’t know what I didn’t know.
At 41, when I started all over again (yep, call me crazy), I was a different person and therefore a different kind of mom. Between the ages of 19 and 41, driven first by my personal experience and later by my professional endeavors, I learned a lot about how childhood trauma, attachment wounds and trauma, and intergenerational trauma can negatively impact a person’s life years after the trauma has ended.
I Sound Just Like My Mom!
When it comes to parenting, do you notice sometimes you sound just like your parents? This is such a common experience. Your kid whines, “But Mom, Why?” and all of a sudden, “Because I said so!” marches right out of your mouth, sounding just like your mom. You never liked hearing that when you were a kid and now you’re befuddled because it sounded like you just got possessed by your mom.
Of course, this is a minor example of an intergenerational pass down. More tragic examples include abuse, neglect, or unresolved trauma, anxiety or depression. As I started to wake up from the trance of dysfunction, I became very intentional about how I wanted to show up as a parent and it wasn’t the way I was parented.
Road to Healing
I can hear you now. “OMG, I am going to ruin my kids!” Pause and take a deep breath. No one is a perfect parent and yes, you will inadvertently hurt your children no matter how “healed” you are. From my own experience, me being on a road to healing was the nugget I passed on to my oldest. I was far from perfect, but I could admit my mistakes and I wasn’t shy about doing so. When I F’d up, I called myself out.
I learned over the years, it wasn’t the rupture that mattered, it was the repair. We will hurt the people in our lives, especially those closest to us. My willingness to be wrong and repair the relationship was way more valuable than being the ‘perfect mom.’
Layers of an Onion
Healing intergenerational wounds and trauma isn’t like taking a pill to get rid of an ache. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix. It takes time, quite possibly your entire lifetime. I have found in my own journey that it is a lot like peeling the layers of an onion. There is always more healing work that can be done. That doesn’t mean that you are always deep in the trenches of your own healing work. It means that occasionally life will happen; you will hit a bump in the road and some of the things you thought were nice and neatly tucked away, will get jolted up to the front again. And therein lies your new onion layer.
Current Triggers
Speaking of peeling the layers, I want to mention how living through a pandemic can trigger trauma and childhood wounds. As kids, we are dependent on our parents for survival. If your parents were controlling, neglectful, or abusive, you were literally stuck in the environment and left to endure the neglect, criticism, or abuse from your parents. You were powerless and helpless. You were at the mercy of your environment.
Quarantining through a pandemic can trigger similar feelings of being powerless, helpless, or trapped. If you’ve noticed an uptick in old symptoms that you’ve worked through in the past, go easy on yourself. And you might want to consider this as an opportunity to work on a new onion layer.
By sharing a snippet of my story, I hope to empower you to start your healing journey. Healing intergenerational Trauma is possible - even though it’s a lifelong journey - changes are still possible. Relief is possible.
Have you identified yourself as experiencing intergenerational trauma and need support?
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Types of Counseling: Trauma Counseling
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Mindful Living Counseling Orlando is a trauma healing center. Our Orlando Therapy Services include anxiety therapy, trauma counseling, eating disorder recovery, teen counseling, and healing from toxic relationships. At Mindful Living Counseling Orlando, we use a down-to-earth approach infused with cutting-edge therapies that go beyond traditional talk therapy so clients can heal at the root level and experience lasting change. Feel free to access one of our Guided Meditations to help you feel settled and calm now.