10 Traits of Toxic People
10 Traits of Toxic People
Feeling overwhelmed and confused about your relationship? Do you often find yourself wondering, “Is it me or them?” Do you feel stuck in all the drama and can’t seem to make heads or tails of who is doing what to create all the discord?
Your relationship is supposed to feel like a nice warm hug at the end of a hectic day, a safe haven of sorts, from the crazy world we live in. But, if yours feels like you’ve cuddled up to a giant porcupine, you may be in a relationship with an emotionally unhealthy person.
A good time to reflect on this is after a breakup or at any point you begin to see an unhealthy pattern in your relationship. If you’re starting to notice a pattern of feeling deflated and drained at the end of your relationships, there’s a good chance you’ve been getting involved with emotionally unsafe or toxic people.
Relationship problems, whether romantic or otherwise, can be daunting and exhausting. When relational discord is unrelenting, it can cause a tremendous amount of stress in your life.
If your relationships have you feeling like you’ve been chewed up and spit out, it’s time to evaluate the people you are choosing to let into your life as either emotionally safe or unsafe.
Emotionally unsafe people tend to:
Blame
Emotionally unsafe people avoid taking responsibility for their emotions and problems. They blame others for their unhappiness. They expect you to anticipate their needs and when you don’t, they blame you for their feelings and problems.
Judge
Toxic people tend to be self-righteous and judgmental. They deem people or groups of people as bad, unworthy, stupid, or in some way “less than” them.
Gossip
As said by Steve Maraboli, “If they gossip to you, they will gossip about you.” If your person is gossiping to you “in confidence” about someone else, don’t be fooled, they will likely gossip about you, if it benefits them in some way.
Defend
Toxic people are defensive and have a difficult time acknowledging their faults. They value being right over being compassionate and understanding, which leads to disconnection in relationships. Emotionally unhealthy people will defend their position, even if they are clearly at fault, rather than apologize. Because of their inability to admit fault, they are stagnant rather than growing emotionally.
Condemn
Unsafe people condemn others for mistakes made rather than have a forgiving or compassionate approach. Unsafe people have a punitive perspective and use other’s mistakes as an opportunity to elevate themself and belittle others.
Manipulate
Unsafe people manipulate situations and conversations in order to be right and elevate themself to a place of power in the relationship. Another way they manipulate is to use guilt to control things.
Criticize
Toxic people are very critical. They are quick to find your faults and tell you about them in a way that is not constructive, but rather, hurtful.
Demand - Unsafe people are demanding in many ways. They don’t consider your feelings, boundaries, or perspective. They are self-centered and expect you to forgo what is important to you so that you can accommodate them.
Control
Unsafe people are rigid and controlling. They are inflexible in the way they think and how they do things. Because they are closed-minded, they tend to be stagnant in their personal growth and are closed off to new ideas.
Boast
Emotionally unsafe people like attention and brag about how great they are. They dominate conversations so that they can be the center of attention and appear to be smarter, more successful, or better than others.
(This list is a modification of the work of Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend)
It is impossible to have an emotionally safe relationship with someone who exhibits many or most of these traits, so don’t keep trying. Do yourself a favor and let them go.
It is also impossible to form a healthy bond if you, yourself, exhibit many or most of these characteristics. Do yourself another favor and evaluate how you might be showing up in an unhealthy way in your relationships.
As Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us.” So check this out for yourself, too. The first time I assessed myself, I realized there were definitely times I exhibited some of these not-so-desirable characteristics.
The honest appraisal of yourself and others is worth it, since at the end of the day, I believe we all want to lean into a safe relationship (rather than a giant porcupine).
Wanting to dive deeper into your relationship patterns? Check out each post in my Relationship Series:
Is Your Partner Emotionally Immature?
10 Traits of Emotionally Healthy People
4 Qualities of a Healthy Relationship
Trauma Triangle: Making Sense of the Chaos
Trauma Triangle: Moving from Chaos to Clarity
Looking for more relationship guidance?
Don't feel emotionally connected?: 31 signs your partner is emotionally immature
Baffled by Your Relationship Patterns? Allow Me to Shed Some Light
Boundaries: 21 Questions to Uncover Your Style
Breaking up the Healthy Way [From the Experts] Part 1: Feeling all the Feels
Mindful Living Counseling Orlando offers anxiety therapy, trauma counseling, eating disorder recovery, teen counseling, and EMDR Therapy in Orlando, Florida. We also specialize in helping people heal old broken relationship patterns that keep them from finding, creating, and keeping healthy relationships with partners, friends, and family. At Mindful Living Counseling Orlando, we use a down-to-earth approach infused with cutting-edge therapies that go beyond traditional talking to help clients feel calm in their body and mind and find peace within themselves. Please visit our free Guided Meditations to help you feel settled and calm now.
