Couples Therapy Orlando: The Four Relationship Killers
Couples Therapy Orlando: The Four Relationship Killers
Written by: Lauran Hahn, LMHC
“I can’t do this anymore."
The words hit like a punch to the gut. Maybe you’ve said them. Maybe you’ve heard them. Or maybe you’ve felt them creeping in, unspoken but heavy between you and your partner.
No one enters a relationship expecting it to fall apart, but over time, things can change. The small moments of connection begin to diminish. Conversations shift from meaningful exchanges to mere logistical discussions. Disagreements start to feel larger and more burdensome. Before you know it, you find yourself caught in patterns of criticism, defensiveness, and resentment.
As a couples therapist, I understand.
Dr. John Gottman calls these toxic patterns The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—because when they show up, they predict the end of a relationship with eerie accuracy. But here’s the thing: If you can recognize them, you can change them.
The Four Horsemen: What They Are and Why They Matter
In relationships, it’s not conflict itself that breaks couples apart—it’s how conflict is handled. The Four Horsemen are the destructive ways we respond to conflict, often without realizing it.
1. Criticism: "You never listen to me."
Instead of addressing a specific behavior, criticism attacks who your partner is.
It sounds like: "You’re so selfish." or "You always make everything about you."
Criticism chips away at emotional safety. Over time, the person on the receiving end starts to shut down or fight back. Try this instead: Instead of saying "You never listen to me," try "I feel unheard when we talk. Can we find a better way to connect?"
2. Contempt: "Oh, wow. You actually helped with the dishes for once."
Contempt is the most toxic of the Four Horsemen. It’s not just frustration—it’s belittling, sarcasm, eye-rolling, and mockery. It’s saying, "I’m better than you," and it destroys connection fast.
Try this instead: Shift from contempt to appreciation. Even in conflict, look for what your partner is doing right. Small acts of kindness rebuild respect.
3. Defensiveness: "It’s not my fault! You’re the one who…"
Defensiveness is the knee-jerk reaction to criticism. Instead of hearing your partner’s frustration, you **deflect, make excuses, or counterattack.
It sounds like: "I never said that!" or "Well, you do the same thing, so why are you mad at me?" Defensiveness keeps you stuck in the fight. No one feels heard, and nothing gets resolved.
Try this instead: Take even a little responsibility. Say, "I see why you feel that way. I didn’t mean to dismiss you, but I understand how it came across."
4. Stonewalling: Silence. Shutting down. Walking away.
Stonewalling happens when one person emotionally shuts down and withdraws from the conversation. It’s often a response to feeling overwhelmed or attacked. But to the other person, it feels like rejection.
Try this instead: If you need space, say it. "I want to have this conversation, but I need a break to calm down. Let’s come back to it in 20 minutes."
How This Shows Up in Therapy
When couples come to therapy, they’re often deep in complacency mode—where arguments feel predictable, and connection feels lost. They say things like: "We just keep having the same fight over and over." or "I don’t even know how we got here."
In therapy, we slow things down. We look at how these patterns play out. We role-play common conflicts and have each partner reflect on how they’d feel if a mentor or close friend spoke to them the way they spoke to each other.
Almost always, there’s a moment of realization: "Wow… I wouldn’t like that."
That’s where the change begins. We practice echoing back what the other person is saying, shifting from blame to understanding. We work on rebuilding connections, not just avoiding conflict.
The Good News: You Can Change This
If you recognize the Four Horsemen in your relationship, you’re not alone. Every couple struggles with these patterns at some point. The difference between those who stay together and those who don’t? Awareness. Willingness. And a commitment to change.
At Mindful Living Counseling in Orlando, we help couples break out of these cycles and rebuild their connection. Therapy isn’t about fixing your partner—it’s about learning how to communicate in a way that actually works.
Ready to Start Couples Therapy?
If you’re ready to stop feeling like roommates or enemies and start feeling like partners again, let’s talk. Schedule a session today. Your relationship is worth it.
Fill out our New Client Consultation form here.
Once you complete the form, you’ll be invited to schedule a 15-minute phone consultation with one of our couples therapists.
Get ready to start healing!
Not Quite Ready for Couples Therapy?
That’s okay—you're not alone in this journey. At Mindful Living Counseling, we understand that taking the first step toward couples therapy can feel overwhelming. Whether you're ready now or just exploring your options, our expert-guided resources can help you strengthen your connection, navigate challenges, and build a healthier relationship.
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Other Therapy Services Offered at Mindful Living Counseling in Orlando
At Mindful Living Counseling we offer a variety of therapy to address your needs! Our therapeutic options include EMDR therapy, trauma therapy, teen therapy, and toxic relationship therapy. Additionally, we provide guided meditations.
Anxiety Therapist Lauran Hahn
Lauran Hahn, LMHC, is a therapist based in Downtown Orlando who specializes in helping clients navigate anxiety and trauma through EMDR Intensives. She is certified as both a Sensorimotor Psychotherapist and an EMDR Therapist and is recognized as an EMDRIA Approved Consultant. Lauran's goal is to help individuals find a sense of calm in their bodies, peace in their minds, and stronger connections in their relationships. She also assists clients in recovering from toxic relationships and offers guidance to help them avoid such situations in the future.