Trauma Triangle: Making Sense of the Chaos
Trauma Therapy Orlando: Making Sense of Chaotic Relationships
Written by: Lauran Hahn, LMHC
Do you crave the closeness of a relationship, but also find it completely draining, confusing, and overwhelming? Do you often wonder, “What the heck is going on?” Does conflict make you feel anxious and on edge? Do you feel triggered or reactive and then feel bad for what you’ve said or done?
As a therapist offering Trauma Therapy in Orlando, I help clients move beyond anxiety and make sense of the mayhem that happens internally and within their relationships (romantic or otherwise).
In this blog series on relationships, I will help you get out of the tumultuous waters of overwhelming and confusing relationship patterns so that you can see what the heck is happening. I will also provide you with tools that will help you navigate the waters for smooth sailing.
In my first blog post, I defined the traits of unhealthy people. In the second one, I explain the traits of healthy people. Next, we look at the qualities of a healthy relationship.
This post will look at the unhealthy communication patterns and internal perspectives that keep you stuck. In my next post, I will help you learn how to stop all the madness and step into a healthy perspective of yourself and others.
In brief, this article covers the following:
The trauma triangle is a lens that can help you see patterns in your relationship and more easily identify your needs to increase the chance of them getting met in healthy ways.
Emotions are messengers that help us identify our needs. Most of us learned dysfunctional ways of handling our emotions in our family of origin.
When we aren’t taught to see our emotions as valuable and helpful in communicating our needs, the trauma triangle ensues. There are three roles in the triangle: victim, rescuer, and persecutor.
Victims often feel powerless and like life is happening “to them.” They feel like they are at the mercy of others or life in general.
Rescuers are more focused on the thoughts, feelings, and behavior of others rather than themselves. They attempt to make others happy at the expense of their own happiness.
Persecutors blame others for their unhappiness or problems. In playing the blame game, they lose the true power to make themselves happy.
Knowing what role you’re playing in the unhealthy relationship pattern can empower you to make new choices and change the painful dance you’re doing in your relationships.
To learn more about the blame game, I encourage you to check this blog post: Stop the Blame Game.
Trauma Triangle
If you regularly feel guilty, bad, anxious, overwhelmed, angry, lost, or powerless in relationships (romantic or otherwise), seeing this discord through the lens of the trauma triangle can be life-changing. Yes, you read that right, this could Change. Your. Life. Once you can see what is happening and develop some tools to do something different, you will be able to experience connection without the chaos.
Relating through the trauma triangle can happen as a result of a single trauma or multiple traumas, but it typically follows us out of childhood because we weren’t taught how to be with our emotions, so we use a triangulated way of relating to others to avoid taking responsibility for our own feelings, needs, and desires.
How Emotions Play a Role
In an emotionally healthy person, it goes like this: You have an internal sensation. You identify it as an emotion. You notice that you have a need, preference, or desire. You communicate that with your partner. If they can meet the need, you can accept their help. If they can’t for some reason, you’re okay with that too. During this entire process, you feel clear, calm, and confident. In my last post, I expanded on this.
If the culture in your family of origin was uncomfortable with certain emotions or prioritized some emotions over others, or you had the experience of putting your needs, wants, and desires on the back burner, then likely your emotions, needs, wants, and desires, went underground (and buried alive). You see, you can’t make your emotions or the accompanying needs, vanish. It doesn’t work like that.
As humans, we have four basic emotions: mad, sad, scared, and happy. These emotions are intended to help you move through life in a safe and healthy way. If you’re sad, you need something, likely support. If you’re scared, you need something, likely safety. If you’re angry, you need something, likely protection. If you’re happy, yay! Keep doing what you’re doing!
If you were explicitly taught (“Boys don’t cry. Don’t be a baby.” or “Girls shouldn’t get angry. That’s not ladylike.”) or implicitly taught (Mom was so preoccupied with her own stress that she wasn’t available to you), then you learned to disown your own feelings. If you can’t own your feelings, then you won’t allow them to be signals for deeper needs, desires, or preferences. These feelings are like our internal weather system. Weather is happening whether you want to admit it or not. It’s quite silly to be standing in the rain while saying, “Hey, looks sunny out here, huh!” Unfortunately, that’s what happened to many of us by our parents when we were scared and they said, “No you’re not.”
If you can’t acknowledge the rain, you don’t know you need an umbrella. If you can’t acknowledge that you’re sad, you don’t know you need comfort.
If you can’t identify and take responsibility for your feelings when you have them (because you will have them. It’s the weather), you can’t acknowledge your needs, desires, and preferences. Instead, you will feel anxiety, shame, fear, or guilt. As a result of feeling anxiety, shame, fear, or guilt, you will divert responsibility, and find yourself doing the cha, cha, cha on the trauma triangle.
The trauma triangle has three sides or perspectives: victim, rescuer, and persecutor. Each perspective uses a different tactic for avoiding responsibility. The victim takes no responsibility at all. The persecutor blames others and therefore makes other people responsible. The rescuer takes responsibility for others, but not for themself. No matter which way you shake it, all roads lead back to victimhood, that’s why some people also refer to the trauma triangle as the victim triangle. No one perspective is better than the other. They all perpetuate disempowerment.
When you skirt responsibility, you shirk your personal power. What do we know about victims? They feel powerless.
It’s important to know that the triangle is a slippery little thing. Once you’re on the triangle, you will likely slide from one perspective to the next multiple times in one conversation. By default, if you’re on the triangle, you have put the other person on the triangle, as well. The triangle encapsulates how you view yourself in respect to someone else. The other person may inadvertently play right along or have absolutely no idea how you’re perceiving the situation.
As you read through the following perspective of the victim triangle, I invite you to identify the ways in which you relate, rather than the ways that you don’t. Getting off the triangle is profoundly empowering. But you can’t get off until you know that you’re on.
Victim
The victim feels powerless, stuck, and at the mercy of others and life, in general. Victims feel like things are happening to them and they are powerless over their situation, all of this is expressed through a woe-is-me attitude. They feel stuck and see themselves as having no options. This is classic of a true victim or someone that didn’t get their needs met in childhood. In extreme situations, victims feel defective and incapable and are overly dependent on others because they perceive themselves as inept and unable to handle responsibility.
Victims experience conflict through a double bind perspective, for example, “I can’t take care of my needs because they will think I am selfish.” Uncertain how to negotiate their needs with another’s, they will feel stuck because they see no way out.
In the same vein, victims will perceive their problems as unsolvable and disregard other’s (often a rescuers) suggestions or attempts at solving their problems. They have a perspective of “my life is worse than yours” and will sometimes outwardly compete to be seen as the most disadvantaged in a conversation or the one who has experienced the hardest knocks.
Because they don’t know how to identify their feelings, needs or desires or how to ask for them to be met directly, they will make themselves seem small to enroll a rescuer to take care of them. They can intentionally or unintentionally use guilt to get their needs met.
As already mentioned, this is a slippery triangle, so the roles are fluid. Many victims have learned to move out of overt victimhood and disguise their feelings of powerlessness by taking on the rescuer or the persecutor role.
Characteristics of victim perspective
Feels powerless
Sees self without options
Feels shame for real or perceived deficiencies
Feels as if they are at the mercy of others and life
Has a double bind perspective
Takes no responsibility
Makes self “small” in attempt to get needs met
Can use guilt to get needs met
Believes people are “doing it to me.”
Has a woe-is-me attitude
Underneath it all, feels fearful that feelings/needs/desires won’t get met
Beliefs: powerless, helpless, stuck, inadequate, incapable
Rescuer
The rescuer focuses on what other people are thinking or feeling and attempts to control things by managing others. Often, this is not even conscious. Rescuers are typically unaware of their own feelings, needs, or preferences and gauge how they feel on how other’s feel. People who have a prominent rescuer perspective will feel guilty, bad, or uncomfortable when their needs conflict with others. They are quick to quiet their true desire, but can feel resentful when their needs and desires don’t get met.
Rescuers have a tendency to work tirelessly to make sure other people are ok. But they often do this without anyone asking, needing, or even wanting them to do so. They make decisions based off what they think other people feel, need, want, or desire. Rescuers fail to see other people as capable adults and automatically take on being responsible for others. Because they automatically assume responsibility for other’s feelings, needs, and desires, they inadvertently disempower people and keep them on the triangle as victims.
Because rescuers spend so much time and energy focusing on other’s, they completely loose sight of themselves. This outward focus (and displacement of) responsibility is an ill fated attempt at validating their own worthiness, and oftentimes, it’s simply just a wack-a-mole game of assuaging guilt.
Since rescuers are very blended with others, they lack boundaries. When it comes to helping other people, they believe, “If I can, I should,” not understanding that they can and should (oftentimes) say, “No.”
Rescuers often believe their own feelings, needs, and preferences are a burden, so they are extremely uncomfortable asking for what they need or want. They will work relentlessly helping others, with the secret hope that others will return the favor. You will often hear a rescuer say in a martyr tone, “After all I’ve done for you! Now, you’re not there for me!” There is a great deal of indebtedness, whether it is intentional or unintentional.
Rescuers are often beholden to ideals of what they think they should be, rather than honoring how they truly feel or acknowledging what they actually need or want. And when their truths conflicts with their ideals, that pesky feeling of guilt comes flooding back in.
Rescuer stance that oscillates with victim stance will feel stuck because they can’t both get their needs met and keep others happy at the same time. When their needs don’t get met, they quickly can become the victim.
Rescuer stance that oscillates with the persecutor stance will become angry or offended when someone else doesn’t accept their help.
Characteristics of rescuer perspective
Feels responsible for other’s feelings, needs, and desires
Indirectly tries to control other’s emotions (oftentimes outside of their own awareness)
Feels guilty if others feel bad
Tries to manage other’s feelings (to manage guilt)
Feels like own needs/desires/preferences are a burden
Has a hard time saying no or establishing boundaries
Feels conflicted about how they feel and what they think they should feel
Tries to control people and situations by managing others feelings/needs/desires and perspectives
Takes responsibility for others, but not for self
Underneath it all, feels guilt for having feelings/needs/desires
Beliefs: My needs are not valid. I am a burden.
Persecutor
The persecutor blames others for their problems or unhappiness. They are unable to identify their feelings and even if they can, they are even less likely to ask for what the need or want. However, in the blink of an eye, the can feel slighted and counterattack with a verbal lashing of blame and diatribes.
They can have a general sense of distrust and see others unsafe, dangerous, incapable, or inept. They have a very difficult time being vulnerable, identifying their feelings, needs, and desires. And they have an even harder time communicating these things to others. However, they are quick to get angry when their needs and wants are missed, saying things like, “You should have known better.”
Because persecutors are uncomfortable identifying their underlying feelings, wants, and needs openly, as this is much too vulnerable, they can use control and bullying tactics to get what they want. If they don’t get what they want, they can be punishing and vengeful.
They give up their power by hinging their happiness and wellbeing on other’s actions, inactions, thoughts, or words of praise. This displaced sense of responsibility has them longing, wanting, and endlessly dissatisfied. They try to forcefully regain their power through preaching, criticizing, or judging the same folks they feel slighted by.
Persecutors have the perspective that they are owed something. People owe them respect or the world owes them a break. They can come across as self-righteous and indignant.
Persecutors have high expectations and demand quite a bit from others. It is a moving target though, because all of these demands are nothing more than misguided attempts to satisfy their deep longing for acceptance from self and others.
In the most extreme cases, persecutors can be violent. In less extreme cases, they can be passive-aggressive, indirect, rigid, critical, and controlling.
Persecutors that oscillate with victim stance feels powerless, longs for someone to rescue them and when they don’t, lash out angrily.
Persecutor that oscillates with rescuer stance will become aggressive or passive aggressive because they don’t get their needs met.
Characteristics of persecutor perspective
Takes things personally
Feels provoked, attacked, and slighted by others
Gets angry because needs/desires are not getting met
Gets angry rather than expressing true feelings/needs/desires
Believes people “should just know” how to meet their needs
Doesn’t clearly state feelings/needs/desires and gets mad when they aren’t met
Can be violent verbally or physically
Views others as incapable
Can be controlling and critical
Does not take responsibility for feelings/needs/desires and blames others
Tries to control situations by being critical, demanding, blaming, or rigid
Gets mad when boundaries aren’t honored, however, boundaries were not clearly expressed.
Underneath it all, feels shame for basic feelings/needs/desires
Beliefs: People are dangerous. People are against me. The world is not safe.
If you struggle in relationships, you will likely be able to relate to a little bit from all of the perspectives, with an emphasis on one or two of them. I invite you to take a moment and explore the most recent time you experienced discord in a relationship (romantic or otherwise). Find where you placed yourself and where you put the other person.
Once you can see how you unconsciously get pulled on the triangle, you can then start to create a very intentional pathway to get yourself off. My next blog post, Trauma Triangle: Moving from Chaos to Clarity, provides steps to get you off the triangle so that you can be liberated from relationship drama. But first, spend some time getting to know which position is your default role.
Interested in Trauma Therapy Orlando?
When you're ready to start trauma therapy, the Trauma Therapists at Mindful Living Counseling are here for you. To get started with one of the best trauma counselors:
Fill out our New Client Consultation Form
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Begin your healing journey!
Not Quite Ready for Trauma Therapy Orlando?
We understand. In the meantime, check out our team of specialized anxiety and trauma therapists who are here to help. You can also read more about trauma therapy, by checking out the articles below.
Trauma Therapy Orlando Resources
Trauma Triangle: Moving from Chaos to Clarity
5 Signs You’re Healing from Trauma
Is Your Partner Emotionally Immature?
10 Traits of Emotionally Healthy People
4 Qualities of a Healthy Relationship
Trauma Triangle: Moving from Chaos to Clarity
Want More on the Trauma Triangle?
Collin Ross Trauma Model Therapy
Other Therapy Services Offered at Mindful Living Counseling Orlando
The team at Mindful Living Counseling recognizes that trauma can be a difficult obstacle to overcome but we understand that there may be other challenges that you are struggling with as well. That's why we provide a range of therapy services, such as Anxiety therapy, EMDR therapy, and Teen Therapy, as well as Guided Meditations.
About Trauma Therapist Lauran Hahn
Have you met Lauran Hahn, LMHC? Trauma therapist Lauran Hahn is a licensed therapist in Orlando who specializes in helping people recover from toxic relationships and deal with anxiety. Lauran is also a Certified EMDR therapist and an EMDRIA-approved EMDR Consultant. Lauran loves spending time with her loved ones, journaling, running, or practicing yoga.