Orlando Therapist Shares Emotional Blueprint: Understanding Our Emotional Responses
Orlando Therapist Shares Emotional Blueprint: Understanding Our Emotional Responses
Written by: Lauran Hahn, LMHC
The Heart of Well-Being: Embracing Emotional Health
I believe at the core of all problems is how we attend to our emotions. This seems like a pretty lofty statement, I know, but with all of the years of being a therapist, I really do believe how we show up for our own emotional health, dictates our overall well-being.
When we disconnect from our emotions, we disconnect from the core of who we are. We end up in situations that don’t align with our personal values and find ourselves in unfulfilling jobs and relationships. We lose touch with ourselves and put our needs and wants on the back burner, don’t engage in nurturing self-care practices, or don’t do things to fill up our cup. We tend to be on autopilot moving through life feeling half empty.
When we tune into our inner world, we tap into our deepest desires and authentic truth. Having access to such wisdom allows us to be true to ourselves, pick personally fulfilling careers, and choose friends and relationships that enrich our lives.
When we’re tapped in, we know that our emotions are necessary to experience the fullness of life. We allow our emotions to signal to us what we may need at any given moment. We honor our own needs, wants, and desires. We set boundaries and practice self-care because we prioritize our needs and understand that it is our responsibility to ensure our needs are met.
Unraveling Our Deep-Rooted Responses
If emotions are so important, why then do we struggle so much to tap in and tune into them?
Let's simplify this complex question. It boils down to the culture we grew up in – and by culture, I'm talking about both the environment in our families and the wider social norms we've been surrounded by. It's all about how we were taught to handle our feelings from the get-go. Think about it: the way our family and society approach emotions – whether they welcome them with open arms or sort of sweep them under the rug – shapes how we deal with our own emotions. It’s like we’ve been given a map since childhood, and now we're trying to navigate our emotional world with it. Sometimes, that map leads us in the right direction, but other times we might find ourselves a bit lost.
The unfortunate truth is that it hasn't been until recently that American families have considered emotional well-being as an important factor in raising children. Previously, the emphasis has been on food, shelter, education, and extracurriculars, with an emphasis on productivity, performance, and appearance.
When we instill these values into little humans, they turn into externally driven adults, meaning we become adults who look outside of ourselves for satisfaction and approval. Our satisfaction comes from achievement and accolades, which is fleeting, so we jump right back on the hamster wheel attempting to feel good enough, worthy, and ok in our skin. When we look solely to others or achievements for fulfillment, we give our power away and we’re plagued with a constant feeling of dissatisfaction. It’s relentless and it’s tiring.
Here's something to feel optimistic about: In the past couple of decades, there's been a real shift in thinking among educators, mental health professionals, and parents. They're coming around to this vital idea – if we want to nurture well-adjusted adults, we can't just sweep the emotional well-being of people under the rug. It's becoming clear that tuning into our emotional health is key to growing up whole and healthy.
Uncovering the Needs Behind Our Feelings
On that note, let’s discuss the overlooked and unexplored valuable purpose we have for specific emotions.
Our feelings drive us to get our emotional needs met much like our body sensations drive us to get our physical needs met. When you’re thirsty, you know you need water. When you’re tired, you know you need sleep. When your bladder is full, you know you need to use the restroom. Similarly, emotions drive us to get our emotional needs met.
Embedded in all of our emotions is an underlying need. Let’s explore common needs within the four most basic human emotions.
Sadness: This emotion often signifies a need for comfort or connection. When a child feels sad, they may need reassurance, a listening ear, or the simple presence of someone who cares to help them process their feelings.
Anger: Anger typically reflects a need for respect, autonomy or a boundary. Children experiencing anger might need space to assert themselves, an opportunity to express their feelings safely, or guidance on how to deal with situations that frustrate or upset them.
Fear: This emotion indicates a need for safety. When a child is scared, they require reassurance of their safety, a sense of security, and perhaps help in understanding and facing their fears in a manageable way.
Joy: Joy is associated with the need for social connection and play. It's a positive emotion that arises from engaging in enjoyable activities, feeling loved, and having opportunities for creative expression and social interaction.
Understanding Society's Influence
Certainly, while our families do play a crucial role in shaping our emotional landscape, they're also influenced by broader social and cultural norms. Let's delve into some of the larger societal messages we commonly receive. These messages, often subtle yet pervasive, are woven into the fabric of our everyday lives, influencing how we perceive, express, and manage our emotions. They come from various sources – media, education, social interactions – and collectively form a powerful narrative that can significantly impact our emotional well-being and how we interact with the world around us.
Boys don’t cry: This perpetuates the stereotype that showing vulnerability or sadness is not acceptable for boys.
Girls don’t get angry: It suggests that anger is not an appropriate emotion for girls, thereby discouraging them from expressing it.
Stop crying like a baby: This phrase invalidates feelings, suggesting that showing emotion is a sign of immaturity.
Girls are so emotional: A stereotype that unfairly characterizes girls as overly emotional often used to dismiss or trivialize their feelings.
Don’t let them see you so emotional: Encourages the concealment of emotions, promoting the idea that expressing feelings, especially in public, is inappropriate.
Settle down. Don't get so excited: This dampens expressions of joy or enthusiasm, suggesting that such emotions should be moderated.
From Family Lines to Healing Paths
Reflecting on why, as a culture, we've often undervalued and lost touch with our emotions, it's crucial to look at how this played out in your own family growing up. Understanding the specific emotional responses that were common in your family can shed light on your own automatic reactions to your feelings now.
Imagine growing up in a family where certain emotions are just not okay, or maybe some feelings get the green light while others are left in the dark. This can create a real disconnect from important parts of ourselves. Emotions that are not welcome end up being ignored, dismissed, or even punished. And what does that teach children about their needs? That they just aren’t important.
Typically, there are four common ways that families respond to emotions in ways that aren't so healthy: ignoring, dismissing, punishing, and fixing or saving. Recognizing these patterns in our family history can be a key step in understanding and reshaping our own emotional responses.
The Four Unhealthy Responses:
I've pulled in Becky A. Bailey's model of the 4 unhealthy parenting responses.
Ignoring: This response involves overlooking or failing to acknowledge a child's emotions. When a child's feelings are ignored, they may feel that their emotions are unimportant or invalid, which can lead to feelings of neglect or a belief that their emotions should be suppressed.
Dismissing: Dismissing is similar to ignoring but goes a step further by minimizing or trivializing the child's emotions. For example, telling a child they are overreacting or that their feelings are not a big deal. This can lead to a child doubting their emotional experiences and struggling to process and understand their emotions.
Punishing: This response involves responding to a child's emotional expression with punishment. This might include yelling, using harsh words, or implementing punitive measures in response to emotional displays. This approach can teach children that it's not safe to express emotions, especially negative ones, and can lead to fear or resentment.
Fixing/Saving: In this response, the adult jumps in to solve the child's problem or alleviate their distress immediately, often without fully acknowledging the emotion or allowing the child to experience it. While well-intentioned, this can prevent children from learning to cope with difficult emotions and situations on their own, potentially leading to a lack of resilience.
You might be asking how parents should show up for their children, if not by one of the responses listed above. The approach that offers children the most resilience is by being empathetic. I call this the nurturing response.
Nurturing: This response involves actively listening to and validating the child's emotions and providing comfort and support without immediately trying to resolve the issue. The adult acknowledges the child's feelings, showing empathy and understanding, and encourages the child to express and explore these emotions, investing what the child needs when feeling such emotions. This approach helps the child feel seen and heard, fostering emotional intelligence and resilience by teaching them to understand and manage their feelings in a supportive environment.
Nurturing emotions in childhood lays the foundation for various positive outcomes in adulthood. When children are taught to understand, accept, and appropriately express their emotions, they are more likely to develop into well-adjusted adults with a range of healthy emotional and social skills.
Self-Reflection
As we've journeyed through the understanding of how our families and societal norms shape our emotional responses, it's now time to take this awareness a step further. Reflecting on these insights, I invite you to engage in a thoughtful exercise using the chart provided. This chart is designed to help you map out the emotional landscape of your own upbringing. Consider each of the four basic emotions – sadness, anger, fear, and joy – and think about how your family responded to these emotions. Did they nurture, ignore, dismiss, punish, or try to fix them? Placing a check mark against the responses that resonate with your experience will offer a visual representation of your emotional history.
This exercise is not just about looking back; it's a step towards understanding your current emotional responses and paving the way for a future where you can embrace and express your emotions more freely and authentically.
Charts adapted from Becky A. Bailey's book - Managing Emotional Mayhem
Put a checkmark in the box that represents how your parents reacted to each of the emotions outlined in the chart.
As we grew up, we naturally internalized our parents' reactions to our emotions. This process is our brain’s way of keeping us connected and safe within our family unit. For instance, if expressing anger as a child often led to punishment, you might have developed an inner voice that now instinctively holds back anger. This adaptation is an automatic response, designed to maintain attachment to our caregivers – a critical need for a child's survival.
Over time, these external experiences with our parents morph into internal voices that guide – or sometimes dictate – our actions, often without us even realizing it. It's only when we take a pause and really delve into our patterns that we begin to see these automatic responses for what they are.
Now, I'd like you to take a moment to reflect on your own responses to your emotions. Think about how you react internally to feelings like sadness, anger, fear, and joy. This exploration is an opportunity to uncover and understand these deeply ingrained responses, bringing what has been operating unconsciously into your conscious awareness.
Put a checkmark in the box that represents how you now respond to your own emotions.
Charts adapted from Becky A. Bailey's book - Managing Emotional Mayhem
It's important to remember that this work is ongoing—it's a commitment to ourselves that deepens with time. By understanding how our upbringing and societal norms have shaped our emotional responses, we give ourselves the power to reconnect with our true selves. This awareness isn't just about looking back; it's about moving forward with intention, choosing to nurture and honor our emotions as vital parts of who we are. So, as you continue on this path, remember to be gentle with yourself. Your emotions are not just signals; they are the essence of your well-being, guiding you toward a more authentic, fulfilling life.
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Additional Orlando Therapy Resources
Trauma Therapy: Internal Family Systems
Trauma Therapist: Signs of Childhood Trauma in Adults
Types of Counseling: Trauma Counseling
Orlando Therapist: Understanding Therapy Jargon
EMDR Therapy: Healing the Unspoken
5 Signs You’re Healing from Trauma
Other Therapy Services Offered at Mindful Living Counseling in Orlando
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About Orlando Therapist: Lauran Hahn
Lauran Hahn, LMHC, is an Orlando-based therapist who specializes in EMDR Intensives helping clients who are struggling with anxiety, trauma and heal from toxic relationships. Lauran is also a Certified Sensorimotor Psychotherapist, a Certified EMDR Therapist, and an EMDRIA Approved Consultant. It’s Lauran’s goal to help her clients feel calm in their bodies, at peace in their minds, and connected in their relationships.