How to Validate Your Teen so They Feel More Understood
Orlando Therapist: How to Validate Your Teen so They Feel More Understood
You find yourself often at odds with your teen - bickering, fighting, and disagreeing. Your teen often says “you never listen to me” or “you don’t understand.” You try to show them that you are present, listening, and understanding, but this message doesn’t seem to sink in with them.
You want to improve the conversations you have with your teen, but you don’t know where to start. A powerful tool in communication is validation - giving your teen the recognition that you understand their emotions, thoughts, and perspectives. Validation can be a powerful tool to use in conversation. Using this technique can convey that you are present, listening, and seeing where your teen is coming from. When your teen feels understood and heard by you, this often helps improve the desire to hear you out as well.
My name is Elizabeth Chambers, I am an Orlando therapist specializing in teen therapy. I help teens cope with a variety of concerns, such as anxiety, depression, and trauma. I also help teens and parents have healthy, happy relationships with improved communication. Communicating with your teen can be tough at times, and I am here to provide tips on using validation when talking to your teen.
Using the Six Levels of Validation
Validation helps improve conversations - but how do you actually do it? The levels of validation discussed in this blog are based on interpersonal effectiveness skills taught in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). These skills are aimed at improving effective communication, strengthening relationships, and resolving interpersonal conflicts.
Each level represents a deeper validation, meaning the higher the level you use, the more validating it can be to your teen. Although it is not possible to use higher levels of validation in every situation, it is helpful to know all 6 levels to use when it is possible and appropriate.
Show you’re paying attention.
The first level of validation is simple: show your teen that they have your attention. This can be conveyed through non-verbal communication, such as making eye contact, changing your facial expression based on the content of what they are saying, and nodding while they are speaking. This may sound like a simple task, however, when your own emotions are heightened, it can be challenging at times.
Another key component of this level is to try to avoid multitasking when your teen is talking, especially during a conversation that is important to them or centered on a serious topic. By putting down your phone or taking a pause from doing another task, you show that you are interested in what your teen has to say.
2. Use reflections.
Reflecting back on what your teen has said is the second level of validation. To reflect back to your teen, you communicate to them what you heard them say, in your own words. For example, if they are telling you about all the schoolwork they have to get done, you could say “It sounds overwhelming to have so much to do.” The main goal is to summarize what they have said and state this back to them, as an acknowledgment that you understand them.
Reflecting back provides an opportunity to clear up any misunderstandings. If you are unsure what your teen meant by something, this is the time to ask a clarifying question after you reflect, such as “did I understand that right?” or “did I get that right?”
3. Channel your inner mind-reader.
The third level of validation is to gain the power of telepathy! Totally kidding - in this case, “mind-reading” is acknowledging what is not being directly communicated to you. This can include body language, facial expressions, or any other non-verbal communication you pick up on. For example, if you are in the middle of a conversation and your teen says “I’m fine” but you notice they are starting to roll their eyes (more than the norm), have an irritated expression on their face, or have an agitated tone of voice, this can be a good time to bring awareness to that.
An example of what this could look like would be saying something like, “It seems like you are getting frustrated by this conversation, maybe we can take a pause and come back to this?” or “I know you say you’re okay, but you look like you’re starting to become upset. Can we take a quick time out?” Bringing attention to not only what they are saying, but how they are saying it, validates their experience. Bringing awareness to this tends to lead to a more productive conversation, rather than you getting angry in response.
Sometimes there is a fear of being “wrong” when trying to apply this level of validation. Even if you “read their mind” and it turns out to be incorrect, this is a great time to clarify how they are feeling. It also communicates to your teen that you are truly trying to understand their emotions and perspective.
4. Convey understanding.
The fourth level focuses on understanding their current feelings through the lens of previous events that your teen has experienced. This can help normalize what your teen is experiencing and conveys that you understand their emotions, in light of the past.
A simple way to remember level four is to think of saying “It makes sense that you _ because of _.” Some examples of this could be: “It makes sense that you are nervous about your science test, since last time you mentioned you didn’t do as well as you had hoped.” or “Last time you went to a friend’s house, you had a panic attack, so I understand why you are anxious about the same thing happening this time.”
5. Acknowledge emotions based on the current context.
Level five focuses on acknowledging that given the current situation, others in the same position would feel similarly to how your teen is feeling. This level is centered on validating that their emotions are a normal, human experience based on what they are going through. This can help normalize the emotions that your teen is feeling, rather than making them feel invalidated for having them.
Examples of this would be: “I understand why you’re feeling sad, breakups are hard” or “You put in so much effort to study for this test, I think anyone in your shoes would be disappointed by not getting the grade they hoped for.” The main point of this skill is validating their emotion by normalizing that other people in the same situation would feel similarly. This level of validation can be useful if your teen frequently expresses feeling “alone” in how they feel. By drawing in that others would feel similarly, it can help them feel less alone with their emotion.
6. Equality and radical genuineness.
The final level of validation focuses on understanding your teens’ emotions on a deeper level. Radical genuineness refers to having sincere concern about your teen and what they are going through. Even if the issue at hand may seem trivial to you, if it is of significance to your teen, it’s important to clearly demonstrate that you care deeply about their concerns.
Equality is a key concept in this level, as well, as it shows your teen that you view them as mature people and take their feelings seriously. As they are growing into adulthood, treating them with equality helps convey to them that you view their emotions and concerns as just as valid as anyone else’s, rather than viewing them as “childish” or “fragile.” By connecting with your teen in a genuine way and trying to maintain a sense of equality, you are providing a deep level of validation for them.
Using validation in conversations with your teen is a great way to start improving communication with them. For more information on communicating with your teen check out this blog post that I wrote recently, How to Talk to Your Teen: 6 Helpful Steps. I hope that reading through these tips on validation can help give you new ways to try to cultivate better communication with your teen.
Therapy Orlando
If you feel that you and your teen would benefit from counseling to further address communication or any other concerns, please feel free to contact us here or give us a call at 407-579-3779. We are happy to help you and your teen get on track to having a healthy, happy relationship.
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About the Author
Orlando Therapist Elizabeth Chambers, LMHC offers Teen Counseling at Mindful Living Orlando.
Elizabeth Chambers, LMHC is an Orlando therapist at Mindful Living Counseling Orlando. Elizabeth specializes in working with adults and teens struggling with anxiety, trauma, self-esteem, and depression. As an EMDR Therapist, Elizabeth utilizes EMDR and mindfulness practices to help clients move beyond anxiety and depression so they can feel confident and in control again.
As an Orlando Therapist specializing in teen therapy Elizabeth enjoys helping teens work through anxiety and self-esteem issues, as well as helping teens and their families rebuild their relationships.
Mindful Living Counseling Orlando is a trauma healing center. Our Orlando Therapy Services include anxiety therapy, trauma counseling, EMDR therapy, eating disorder recovery, teen counseling, and healing from toxic relationships. At Mindful Living Counseling Orlando, we use a down-to-earth approach infused with cutting-edge therapies that go beyond traditional talk therapy so clients can heal at the root level and experience lasting change. Feel free to access one of our Guided Meditations to help you feel settled and calm now.