How to Talk to Your Teen: 6 Helpful Steps
Orlando Therapist Shares Tips on how to Talk With Your Teen
You and your teenager are constantly arguing - day after day you are going in circles about the same topics with no resolution. It’s impossible to get through the day without some disagreement taking place. How can you begin to improve your relationship when you can’t agree on the simplest things?
As a therapist in Orlando who specializes in teen counseling, I help parents and their children have conversations that build connections and work toward true solutions. The teens and parents I work with move from arguing and stonewalling to feeling heard and seen so that they can work together.
By using these skills with your teen, you are not only helping improve your communication with them but you are teaching them appropriate ways to express how they feel. Children learn through what they are directly taught or behavior that is modeled for them. When talking with your teen using these tips, you are modeling healthy communication which they can use with you as well as other important people in their life.
1. Make sure you’re both in a calm headspace.
When an argument ensues and emotions become intense, we tend to be more reactive rather than reflective. We may say things we regret later on or make statements that we do not truly mean because our emotions have hijacked the conversation. By taking a brief cooldown before communicating about an issue, you are taking the time to approach the topic in a more level-headed manner. Before you start your conversation, make sure you and your teen both feel calm.
You can do this by taking a break from the conversation for an agreed-upon amount of time, for example, 5-10 minutes, then agreeing to come back and further discuss the issue. It’s important that during this cooldown time, you are both doing separate tasks to regulate your emotions and reach a place of calm. If you or your teen are struggling with calming your emotions, I recommend you check out this post: Quick and Easy Way to Calm Yourself: Quickie Five Sense Guided Meditation for a calming activity.
2. Give your teen your complete attention.
Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone when they are focused on other things around them? No one likes to feel ignored when they are trying to express their feelings to someone. In the busy world that we live in, it can be difficult to set aside all of our distractions to focus on the conversation at hand, however, fully focusing on talking with your teen, can help them feel heard and understood.
3. Ask your teen for their perspective first.
During a disagreement, your teen may feel like they are not being truly heard by you, which can lead to further tension and upset. I have heard many teens express that they feel their parent is not hearing their opinion on an issue or that the parent solely cares about their own opinion. By starting the conversation off by asking your teen for their perspective, it shows that you value what they have to say as well. After they have expressed their view on the situation, now it’s your turn!
4. Use active listening skills when talking to your teen.
Using active listening skills can help communicate that you are focused on the topic at hand. Active listening skills include paying full attention to the person you’re speaking to as well as giving cues that you are listening to them, called non-verbal and verbal cues.
Examples of non-verbal cues include nodding your head, making eye contact, and turning towards them while they speak to indicate that you are listening to them. Verbal cues can include making statements, such as “I understand”, “mhm”, or “okay”. Putting distractions away and using some of these non-verbal and verbal cues can demonstrate that your focus is on the conversation.
5. Listen to understand rather than listening to respond.
When we feel strongly about a topic, a common pitfall we find ourselves in is listening with a response already in mind. Rather than entering the conversation with an open mind, we already have a rebuttal ready. To combat this common habit, I recommend using reflective statements. This is a skill both you and your teen can practice together. To do this, you repeat back what the person who is speaking has said to you, using your own words. Here’s an example of what this may look like:
Speaker: “You never listen to me, you don’t care about how I feel! You just make rules for me and get mad if I don’t follow them”
Listener: “You feel like I just care about making rules for you and not about your feelings or what you have to say”
Using reflective statements can improve communication between you and your teen by showing them that you are paying attention to their point rather than focusing on your response. Doing this may also provide a chance to clarify what your teen is telling you. When you use a reflection to communicate how you interpreted what they said, they can tell you if you may have interpreted something a different way than how they meant it. Clarifying what was said while in the conversation, it can decrease times of miscommunication.
6. Try to come to a solution you both agree on.
After you have both expressed your views on the issue at hand, it’s time to find a resolution. Ideally, you want to come to a compromise on the topic so that you are both happy with the outcome of the conversation. However, this cannot always be the case - especially in circumstances where you feel your teen may be pushing boundaries too much or asking for something that you don’t feel comfortable with allowing them to do. If this is the case, I recommend explaining the “why” behind your answer.
As children grow and begin to form their own identity in their teenage years, they are going to want to push previous boundaries and may challenge some of the rules that you have for them. By explaining the reasoning behind your answers, you are showing them that while you are sticking to your rules, you recognize that they are getting older and maybe more curious about the “why” behind your decisions.
Using these tools while communicating with your teen can help decrease the fighting and chaos that comes from arguing and miscommunication. Healthy communication can set the foundation for an improved relationship with your teen and help make your relationship stronger!
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About the Author
Elizabeth Chambers, LMHC is an Orlando therapist at Mindful Living Counseling Orlando. Elizabeth specializes in working with adults and teens struggling with anxiety, trauma, self-esteem, and depression. As an EMDR Therapist, Elizabeth utilizes EMDR and mindfulness practices to help clients move beyond anxiety and depression so they can feel confident and in control again.
As a teen therapist in Orlando, Elizabeth enjoys helping teens work through anxiety and self-esteem issues, as well as helping teens and their families rebuild their relationships.
Mindful Living Counseling Orlando is a trauma healing center. Our Orlando Therapy Services include anxiety therapy, trauma counseling, eating disorder recovery, teen counseling, and healing from toxic relationships. At Mindful Living Counseling Orlando, we use a down-to-earth approach infused with cutting-edge therapies that go beyond traditional talk therapy so clients can heal at the root level and experience lasting change. Feel free to access one of our Guided Meditations to help you feel settled and calm now.
