Stop the Blame Game: 9 Steps to Reclaim your Power
Orlando Therapist helps you heal from toxic relationships….
Do you often feel angry and resentful in relationships? Do you feel powerless and stuck? Does it seem like you are at the mercy of other people’s moods or decisions? If so, it’s time to stop the blame game, get your footing, and take your power back in your life.
We, as therapists at Mindful Living Counseling, often see clients who blame someone else for their unhappiness. It helps them feel relief in the short term, but it is actually extremely disempowering to them and over time can lead to experiencing life as if they are a victim. Victims are powerless. A person’s power comes from taking responsibility for their life, happiness, and internal satisfaction.
If you find that you've put your happiness in the hands of someone else or if you’re in a habit of complaining about and blaming others, here are some steps to take to get out of the cycle:
1. Assume Good Will
Look internally and ask yourself, “What am I telling myself about this situation?” Are you assuming the negative intentions of others? Do you often feel as though others are doing things to you or against you?
One my favorite examples to illustrate this idea is to explore road rage or an aggressive driving attitude. Let’s say you’re driving along and someone cuts two lanes of traffic, gets in front of you, and then turns.
Do you think, “Who the f*** do they think they are? They can’t do that to me!”
In this example, you are assuming the driver is doing something against you and you’ve assumed the way they are driving is a personal attack against you, that their driving behavior has somehow determined your worth.
If you can change the assumption from a personal attack to one of good will, your internal pressure valve will release. When you realize that the driver isn’t even thinking about you and they are quite possibly in an emergency situation and are desperately trying to get somewhere, you assume a positive intention behind what they are doing.
2. Explore your Anger
If you have a habit of blaming others for your struggles or difficult feelings, you likely experience anger and the anger gets expressed through blaming. The emotion ‘anger’ oftentimes gets a bad rap. But let’s explore the healthy function of anger. Anger lets us know when we’ve given away too much (time, energy, money, etc), or someone has taken too much (time, energy, money, etc). The anger is a protective signal letting us know that we need to negotiate our needs or set a boundary with the other person.
Let’s say for example, after a long and stressful day at work, you come home and cook dinner. After dinner, you put the kids to bed. Once the kids are settled in and falling asleep, you walk into the living room to see your partner sitting on the couch watching TV, while the kitchen is a total and complete mess. All of a sudden, your body is flooded with heat and anger at your partner for not cleaning the kitchen.
In this scenario, the anger could be signaling to you that you’re exhausted, overextended, and you need you some support.
If you struggle with intense emotions such as anger, I encourage you to check this blog post: Choose Peace.
3. Determine What you Need
Explore what you need in the situation. If you’re overwhelmed, ask yourself “what would feel supportive?” Do you need help with something? Do you need some time to rest and relax?
Oftentimes, folks who frequently blame others are not able to identify and express their own needs. It’s easier for them to get mad at others for not being considerate than to acknowledge what they need internally and ask explicitly for their needs to be met.
Continuing on with the anger due to the dirty dishes example from above, instead of jumping into blame that your partner hasn’t washed the dishes, you can take a minute to slow down and look inside. When you slow down you can better notice what it is that you need. Once you understand what it is happening internally, you can ask for what you need.
4. Set Boundaries
Folks who get caught up in the blame game often have trouble setting boundaries. They have the philosophy of “If can, then I must” and then they get waaaaay overextended and blame others for asking for too much.
Reclaiming your power comes in two simple letters, N.O. If the thing that is being requested of you feels like too much, then it is your responsibility to say, “No.”
If you are waiting for them to stop asking, so you can stop giving or doing, you have single-handedly put the responsibility of your self-care in someone else’s hands. When you feel too tired or like you’ve given too much, stop complaining and blaming and say “no” to requests so that you can say yes to yourself.
Let’s say a good friend of yours calls to say that they are moving and they ask if you can come over to help pack up their house. In this scenario, the truth is that you do not have the time nor do you have the energy and you have a big deadline at work. You know that it’s in your best interest to say “no” to your friend but you decide to help anyway. What can often happen in these scenarios is that you get mad because you gave away time that you did not have to spare. And then you feel resentful because.
To learn how to set your boundaries, check out 5 Simple Steps to Setting a Boundary.
5. Check your Guilt
If you are having trouble establishing and honoring your own boundaries, you are likely operating from your own internal guilt. It is often your own guilt that plays a role in you overextending yourself. When clients say, “I feel bad when I say no.” Or “I feel guilty for not giving him money when he asks.” I know we’ve stumbled upon a secret doorway into the unhealthy messages they received as a child.
The messages inside the guilt are what drive the belief of, “If I can, then I must” mentioned above.
People who blame and complain are often operating from their own guilt and then have a tendency to guilt and blame others, continuing the pattern of displacing responsibility and perpetuating disempowerment.
To learn more about toxic guilt, check out the blog post: 6 Types of Toxic Guilt and 6 Tips to Help and Heal
6. Manage your Expectations
When you find yourself giving your power away by blaming others, the world, or the situation, check your expectations. Did you have expectations that things would go a certain way and you feel utterly disappointed that they didn’t go as planned? Were you even aware that you had expectations? Were your expectations reasonable or realistic? Did you have expectations of perfection?
When things don’t go your way, do you find yourself ho humming, “Why me? Things never go my way.”
If you have a set of rigid expectations for how things should go without much mental flexibility for things to go differently, you are sure to feel let down or disappointed and reactively blame others or the situation.
Adopt a mindset that things rarely ever go exactly as planned, and plan for the unplanned. Change your language from expectations of a situation to “hope for a situation.” Intuitively in the word “hope” is the flexibility that things may not go as planned.
If things don’t seem to go your way, find the positive things that spontaneously arise out of the situation. Look for the silver lining.
7. Communicate
Communication is key in reclaiming your power. Let others know what is happening internally for you. If you don’t tell them, it’s unreasonable to blame them for not knowing. Oftentimes, blaming and complaining are rooted in a lack of communication. Clearly communicate your needs, boundaries, and hopes so others have the information and can try to meet you where you are.
8. Work Towards Acceptance
The first step in acceptance is honesty. Be honest with yourself about others. Nobody's perfect, we all bring limitations to the table. When you are honest with yourself about other’s limitations, you can accept them as they are rather than who you want them to be.
When people show you who they are, believe them. If your best friend, Karen, is consistently late, accept that she is not good with time.
Folks who play the blame game tend to take other’s limitations as a personal slight. “Who does Karen think she is? Doesn’t she know how valuable my time is?! She made me late again!”
Be honest with yourself about your own imperfections, and accept those too. When we can honor and accept our own humanness, we are more easily able to understand and meet our unique needs.
9. Make Appropriate Choices
With acceptance and honesty about the situation, you can make appropriate choices. If you can accept others as they are, you can make decisions that empower you rather than be at the mercy of other’s limitations.
When it comes to Karen, you know she runs late, so you decide to meet her at the destination rather than blame her for making you late again.
The Blame Game Summarized
Where you have appointed blame, you’ve assigned responsibility. Where you’ve placed responsibility, you’ve given your power. If you are not responsible for yourself, you are disempowered. The moment you blame someone or something you’ve given them your power.
Looking for an Orlando Therapist?
Sometimes you need a little more than self-help blogs. We get that. If you’re looking for some additional support, we are here to help. We’re offering in-person and virtual appointments. Click here to find out more about counseling at Mindful Living Counseling Orlando.
Mindful Living Counseling Orlando is a trauma healing center. Our Orlando Therapy Services include anxiety therapy, trauma counseling, eating disorder recovery, teen counseling, and healing from toxic relationships. At Mindful Living Counseling Orlando, we use a down-to-earth approach infused with cutting-edge therapies that go beyond traditional talk therapy so clients can heal at the root level and experience lasting change. Feel free to access one of our Guided Meditations to help you feel settled and calm now.
