Parenting Boundaries: Taking Back Your Power and Your Sanity
Orlando Therapist: Parenting Boundaries
Do you find yourself getting frustrated because you just had to tell your child to put away their toys for what seems like the millionth time? Are you finding yourself yelling at your children because they are refusing to change into their pajamas, and you’ve run out of patience? Did you just ground your teen and take away their car for a month because you were angry after being told that they skipped school?
This last one may not sound too terrible until you’re two weeks in and are having to drive them to school, work, and extracurriculars, and soon find yourself resenting that month-long grounding with no car…
If you are experiencing any similar scenarios and are wondering how things can be different, then this blog post is for you. So many caretakers are in the same boat and are finding themselves drained, burnt out, and frequently feeling ashamed and frustrated with themselves and their children. Fortunately, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and the path starts with setting AND maintaining consistent boundaries.
Why Boundaries are Important for Creating a Healthy Relationship With Your Children
Maintaining boundaries allows caretakers to avoid the daunting and unhelpful power struggle of arguing with or yelling at the children. Have you ever felt like your child isn’t listening when you are standing over them and talking in an elevated, possibly angry voice? Well, odds are, they aren’t. When our brains feel threatened, our ability to retain new information becomes almost impossible, especially when our brains haven’t fully developed as a child or as a teen.
Children thrive on consistency and structure because it means they know what to expect from those around them and their environment. This creates a sense of safety. Consistent boundaries allow children to anticipate the outcome if they choose to adhere to the boundary or not.
By setting boundaries, caretakers are teaching their children how to make appropriate decisions and how to anticipate and manage consequences when those boundaries are crossed.
When caretakers role model appropriate boundaries with their children, they are showing their children how to set and respect boundaries with themselves, teachers, friends, and other family members.
3 Tips for Setting Boundaries With Kids
Plan the boundaries when you are not triggered.
Try to have a general idea of the rules and expectations you want to reinforce before going into a discussion. This allows you to be prepared, especially if you find yourself becoming frustrated and upset. In my experience, this is when parents set boundaries they aren’t always prepared to reinforce or experience guilt over them.
Clearly and explicitly define the consequences.
Make sure these are age-appropriate and you are able AND willing to follow through with them. For example, elementary-aged children do better when consequences are immediate or within the same day. This ensures they associate the consequence with their actions. It also allows them to try again and continue to practice respecting boundaries more frequently. For older children, it is encouraged to keep consequences limited to a time frame of a day or two. This allows them to learn from the negative experiences and try again.
Practice delivering the boundary firmly and with kindness.
Stating it simply, for example, “The walls are not for writing on, if you choose to write on the walls, the markers will be put away.” Also, a great moment to offer an alternative, like paper, to redirect their creative energy. For an adolescent, “The bedroom must be clean before the weekend, or the car keys will be taken away until it is done.”
When setting boundaries, the caretaker is there to remind the children of the boundary and to uphold the consequence. Yes, they may get upset, especially if all of this is new to them, however, the longer you stick with it they will begin to trust that you follow through on your word and they will learn that choosing to break the boundary does not benefit them.
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About the Author
Orlando Therapist, Samantha Bickham, LMHC is an EMDR Therapist who offers trauma, anxiety, and eating disorder treatment at Mindful Living Counseling Orlando.
Samantha utilizes mindfulness-based therapies that help the brain settle and orient to safety in the body, emotions, and thoughts. She uses EMDR, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) to help clients move beyond feeling anxious and overwhelmed to feeling calm and in control.