Choosing Peaceful Relationships
Orlando relationship counselor providing tips for a peaceful relationship….
You’re tired of all the relationship drama. You’re exhausted from the internal chaos and external angst. You’re ready to put the anxiety, overwhelm, doubt, and confusion behind you. Whether it is romantic, work, or friendship, you’re ready to have clarity and feel calm in your relationships.
As an anxiety therapist and relationship counselor, I help folks move from chaos to calm in their relationships (romantic or otherwise).
In this blog series on relationships, I will help you get out of the tumultuous waters of overwhelming and confusing relationship patterns so that you can see what the heck is happening. I will also provide you tools that will help you navigate the waters for smooth sailing.
In my first blog post, I define traits of unhealthy people. In the second one, I define the traits of healthy people. Next, we look at the qualities of a healthy relationship. Then, we looked at unhealthy communication patterns and internal perspectives that keep you stuck. In my last post, I provided the mindfulness tools that will allow you to exit your unhealthy patterns so that you can experience peace in your relationships. In this post, I will be walking you through a process you can use when you sense yourself on the Trauma Triangle, and you need to get off. In my next post, I will wrap the series up with a tidy little “cheat sheet” for you when you’re needing to refer back to the tools and tips I have provided.
When an emotional reaction doesn’t seem to fit the situation, in other words, you have an overreaction to a situation, your emotions and reactions are tied up in the past somehow. You’ve stumbled upon an area that needs some healing work. That work is best done with a compassionate and experienced therapist. In the meantime, though, I have created a mindfulness tool to help you exit the dreaded pattern of emotional overreaction.
I love acronyms, so the name of this little jewel is Choose PEACE. Wouldn’t you rather choose peace, than fall in back into the habitual pattern of emotional overreaction, anxiety, guilt, and shame?
P is for PAUSE
When you start to feel yourself getting geared up, know that you’re likely on the Trauma Triangle and operating from old wounds.
At this point, all you need to do is pause.
E is for EXHALE
Once you’ve paused, remember to breathe.
Focus on the exhale; it will help settle your nervous system and move you out of the emotional reaction.
A is for ASSESS
Once you’ve acknowledged that you’re on the Trauma Triangle and you’ve taken the moment to settle your nervous system, it’s a good time to asses where you are on the triangle.
If you are feeling powerless or as if you are at the mercy of others and life - you may be perceiving yourself as a victim on the Trauma Triangle.
To confirm if you are perceiving yourself as a victim, you can ask yourself:
Do I feel powerless?
Do I feel like I am at the mercy of others?
Do I feel like people are doing things to me?
If you answered “yes” to these questions, then you, my friend, are in the victim position on the Trauma Triangle. Scroll down to ‘C for CHOOSE’ to learn how to get off the Trauma Triangle. For more information, read my previous blog post: Trauma Triangle: Moving from Chaos to Clarity.
If you are feeling responsible for other’s feelings, needs, and desires, guilty if others feel bad, like your own needs/desires/preferences are a burden, or are conflicted about how you feel and what you think you should feel- you may be a rescuer on the Trauma Triangle.
To confirm if you are being a rescuer, you can ask yourself:
Am I trying to control the other persons emotions right now?
Am I having difficulty saying no right now?
Am I taking responsibility for the other person right now?
Am I feeling like I am being a burden?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then you, my friend, are a rescuer on the Trauma Triangle. Scroll down to ‘C for CHOOSE’ to learn how to get off the Trauma Triangle. For more information, read my previous blog post: Trauma Triangle: Moving from Chaos to Clarity.
If you are feeling provoked, attacked, and slighted by others, angry because your needs/desires are not getting met, or shame for basic feelings/needs/desires - you may be a persecutor on the Trauma Triangle.
To confirm if you are being a persecutor, you can ask yourself:
Am I taking this personally?
Am I being critical or controlling?
Am I viewing others as incapable and “less than?”
Am I blaming the other person right now?
Am I making someone else responsible for my happiness?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then you, my friend, are a persecutor on the Trauma Triangle. Scroll down to ‘C for CHOOSE’ to learn how to get off the Trauma Triangle. For more information, read my previous blog post: Trauma Triangle: Moving from Chaos to Clarity.
C is for CHOOSE
Now that you’ve determined where you are on the Trauma Triangle, you can choose the bridge that’s right for you to exit the Trauma Triangle. Depending on what role you typically adopt on the triangle will determine which practice will be most helpful.
There are seven bridges to exit the Trauma Triangle.
When you feel stuck and at the mercy of a situation, define your choices.
If you’ve taken on too much responsibility for others, return responsibility to its rightful owner.
When overwhelmed or anxious, dig deep until you know your truths. Spend time uncovering your feelings and know what you need.
Once you know your truths, you will know which needs should be negotiated.
If you’ve discovered a nonnegotiable need, set a boundary.
State the facts: Get honest with yourself about what you truly need. Get honest with yourself about the what others are truly capable of.
Bring all of this into focus by choosing the lens of compassion to see yourself and others, realizing that underneath all the discord, we are all simply trying to get our needs met.
E is for EXIT
You’re now equipped to get off the triangle! Go! Enjoy the freedom and empowerment that comes from being off the triangle and into a space of clarity and calmness.
The chaos that comes from being on the triangle brings with it a lot of anxiety. Once you’re off the triangle, I suggest doing something, anything different from your usual reaction to help you deescalate and feel the freedom that being off the triangle can bring.
Some ideas are:
Go outside
Listen to music
Smell something that has a nice scent
Wash your hands
Watch funny videos
Take a drink of water
Write a journal entry
Workout
Call a friend
Pet your dog
To get the most mileage out of this practice, I suggest you pick a recent upsetting event and reflect on it by journaling through the steps above. After you practice Choose PEACE as a tool for self-reflection, over time it will easier to use in the heat of the moment.
Here’s a recap for quick reference for Choose PEACE:
PAUSE
EXHALE
ASSESS
CHOOSE
EXIT
Wanting to dive deeper into your relationship patterns? Check out each post in my Relationship Series:
10 Traits of Emotionally Healthy People
4 Qualities of a Healthy Relationship
Trauma Triangle: Making Sense of the Chaos
Trauma Triangle: Moving from Chaos to Clarity
Looking to schedule your free 15-minute consultation?
Schedule your consutlrion here.
Mindful Living Counseling Orlando is a trauma healing center. Our Orlando Therapy Services include anxiety therapy, trauma counseling, eating disorder recovery, teen counseling, and healing from toxic relationships. At Mindful Living Counseling Orlando, we use a down-to-earth approach infused with cutting-edge therapies that go beyond traditional talk therapy so clients can heal at the root level and experience lasting change. Feel free to access one of our Guided Meditations to help you feel settled and calm now.