10 Steps to Turn Your Inner Critic Into Your Friend
Orlando Therapist with Tips on Working with the Inner Critic
You know that little internal voice that spews negative self-talk? Of course you do! We all have one. I like to call that voice your little inner critic.
The little inner critic says things like, "You're not enough." Whether it is not good enough, smart enough, or skilled enough, it is constantly sending you messages that you don't measure up in some way.
As an anxiety therapist, I have seen that for some people, the little inner critic can be relentless and ever present. For others, it can be more subtle and show up during times of stress, when learning something new, or while under pressure.
In either case, there are several things you can do to help when it feels like your inner critic is on a rampage of negative self-talk and sending you into a spiral of self-sabotage.
The Little Inner Critic was Born to Help You
Before we get into the steps of how to turn the little inner critic from adversary to ally, let’s first understand the history of the little fellow.
That internal negative voice was born to protect you from external criticism. The purpose of the critic was to keep you connected to others and part of your social group. This often times happens as children when we are defenseless to someone else’s criticism or neglect.
The inner critic will predict what the disapproving person might say and attempt to put you back in line first, preventing you from external judgment. Additionally, as a form of protection external lambasting, the inner critic believes if it gets the job done first, the external disapproval won’t hurt so bad. The internal fault-finding is in a way, a shield from external judgment.
External Criticism
For example, Little Susie has a very critical mom that notices all of the things Susie doesn’t do perfect. If she makes B’s at school, Mom criticizes her for not making As. If her room is not perfectly kept, she criticizes her for the few things that are out of order. Each time mom criticizes Susie, she feels ashamed. In order to protect herself from the mom’s shame and criticism, Susie develops a little inner critic to help keep her in line and out of the way of mom’s wrath.
This little inner critic will start to see things through mom’s perspective in hopes of doing things perfectly to avoid getting in trouble (and hopefully gain the approval of mom so she can feel connected to her). If Susie has multiple condemning people in her young life, she will have a very well developed inner critic that is fast to provide internal critical commentary on all that she does wrong in effort to avoid external critical attacks.
To a young child, excessive parental criticism feels like a serious threat because our young system knows we need our parents to survive. When we don’t feel connected to our family, we have sense of not belonging and that something is fundamentally wrong with us.
Unavailable Parent
An additional way the inner critic is born is when there is parental absence or neglect. You see, as children, we don’t understand that the adults in our life don’t show up for us because they are stressed out, overwhelmed, or otherwise preoccupied. Kids are very egocentric meaning, they make the parents accessibility about them.
For example, Little Johnny asks his dad to play baseball with him in the backyard. Johnny’s dad is busy with work and consistently says, “Not now son. Maybe later.” Little Johnny doesn’t have the ability to see that his dad is preoccupied and busy. Johnny decides that there is something inherently wrong with him in order to make sense of the situation and to have a predictive internal model to make sense of his dad’s absence. When Johnny sees his best friend’s dad play with him consistently, Johnny determines that the reason his dad doesn’t play with him is because of his inherent worth. Johnny’s little inner critic might decide that if Johnny was a better baseball player his dad would actually want to play with him.
Little Johnny develops an inner critic that tries to manage his parents’ availability.
As mentioned before, we all have a little inner critic. Some folk’s inner critic is ruthless and relentless and some folks have a milder version. We’ve all felt the wrath of a harsh inner voice, though.
10 Steps to Turn Your Little Inner Critic into Your Friend
If your inner critic has been on a rampage and taking up precious mental and emotional energy, use the following steps to begin to turn the little critic into your friend.
The following steps are essentially a mindfulness self-compassion practice that allows for internal peace and alignment.
Acknowledge it is a part or strategy. When you notice the inner critic and acknowledge it, you are not completely blended with it. There is space between you and the inner critical voice.
Bring curiosity (not judgment). With an open mind, you can get to know the inner critic, it’s purpose, function, and intention. If on the other hand, you greet the inner critic with exasperation and condemnation, you just start an internal war within yourself.
Consider the inner critic a form of protection. Yep, you read that right. Start to see it as a part of you that was born out of the need for protection when you were younger.
Explore your history. Excavate for past critical people the inner critic tried to protect you from.
Determine who your inner critic most sounds like. It could possibly be a parent, a grandparent, or a coach. You might discover that you can’t directly link it to a person, and that is fine, too.
Identify instances (remembered or potential) of protection. The inner critic kept you from being externally criticized by someone else; explore those times.
Extend gratitude for protection. The inner critic’s intent is to keep you safe. Acknowledge this part of yourself as a protector rather than inner critic.
Be open to how the protector feels. Notice how it feels to be acknowledged and appreciated for its intent on keeping you safe.
Communicate with the protector. Ask it what words it needs to hear right here, right now in order to feel seen and validated.
Offer those words to the protector. Do it in a way that feels genuine to you and to the protector.
The first time you do this practice, I recommend you create a quiet, serene, and comfy environment and give yourself at least 30 minutes of uninterrupted time. After you complete the steps above, in some way, externalize the protector part, either through art, images, or a stuffed animal. Externalizing the protector part will help you in the future when you hear an internal critical voice trying to keep you inline or motivated.
Additional resources to support connection with your inner child:
Healing Intergenerational Trauma: A Snippet of My Story
Guided Meditation for Anxiety: Calm Place
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